You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘divorce’ tag.

20 highly inspirational rules of life a Japanese Buddhist wrote four centuries ago that may change your life.

A new study suggests that the lower your social class, the “wiser” you are.

Cards Against Humanity buys area of the U.S. border in an effort to prevent Donald Trump from building his wall.

Beautiful color photos of Paris taken 100 years ago—at the beginning of World War I and the end of La Belle Époque.

A 15-point guide to surviving authoritarianism.

How the residents of a wealthy Bristol district have managed to ban birds from the trees.

A look at the first translation of The Odyssey made by a woman classicist.

San Francisco animal shelter hires a robot to force out homeless people.

You think your job sucks? Take a look at some real conversations from the clients from hell.

Black leaders in Memphis buy city parks and remove Confederate statues.

Inside the library that holds the world’s rarest colors.

A video showing the dark past of Sea Monkeys.

I am buried alive in a Michigan prison.

How 12 teens invented a solar-powered tent for the homeless.

The Disney version of Donald Trump is 100 percent less awful than the real thing.

When life gives you a divorce, get drunk and set your dress on fire.

10 reasons to visit the only country where North Koreans can take a permanent vacation.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Advertisements

This February was probably the worst February for me in recent memory. It was like everything that could have gone wrong for me did.

First I learned that my ex-husband had stopped sending me alimony payments. I knew it was going to run out at some point but I always thought that it would be sometime in June (when it would’ve been the anniversary of the judge handing down the decision that the divorce was final) but my ex decided to stop sending further payments after late December. Of course he didn’t notify me of this. In fact he has pretty much avoided speaking to me as much as possible since the day he walked out on me back in late 2011, which has made the entire divorce process far worse than it was. (Ideally I would’ve loved for the two of us to meet together somewhere in person to hammer out a few things and communicate about such things as payment schedules and similar matters but, with him, everything can only be done via email or text—and that is only if he feels like responding.) As a result I only learned about this when the alimony check has stopped arriving. I sent a polite email asking about the payments while stating that I have had a run of bad luck (which I’ll get into in a bit). I didn’t resort to name calling or making accusations. It was basically a short polite email where I asked about the payments while explaining my current situation. I even expressed my sympathy for the death of his father back in October. He responded with this businesslike tone where he said that he had fulfilled his obligations and thanked me for my kind words regarding his father. The whole thing had the tone of a business transaction instead of two people who used to be married to each other.

Unfortunately consulting a lawyer was out of the question because I really can’t afford to launch any kind of lawsuits at the moment due to extremely tight finances. On top of it, my original divorce lawyer passed away back in 2016 so I would have to hire a brand new lawyer if I wanted to launch any kind of legal challenges regarding the original separation and divorce agreement.

Then there was that church service that I attended on the last Sunday in January, where I ended up experiencing raw emotions that carried through February. Here’s some background. When I was still married my husband and I used to attend that church together. When we separated, I tried attending Sunday service only to see my estranged husband there and I found it to be a major distraction and I couldn’t focus on any part of the Sunday service. I stopped attending church for a while because I just couldn’t stand attending with my ex. There were times when I arrived at church only to see his car parked there and I would immediately turn around and drive back home. I even contemplated quitting church altogether or switching to a different church, which wouldn’t be unusual because over the years I’ve seen other members’ marriages or longterm relationships end and one or both former partners would end up quitting. I had members of my support group for people who are separated or divorced tell me that they ended up either switching churches or stop attending in order to avoid seeing their ex on a weekly basis.

But then I had friends from my church tell me that my ex had eventually stopped going to Sunday service so I felt comfortable enough to attend on my own. I attended one service on the last Sunday in January where I didn’t even look up what the topic of the service was. It was also the same Sunday where I was scheduled to attend the 90th birthday party of a fellow church member that was held at a retirement community near my church so it made sense for me to go to church then go to the birthday party afterwards. It turned out that it was a lay-led service where it was being put on by members of the Men’s Group at our congregation. I found out that my ex was not only involved in the Men’s Group but he was among the speakers.

But then it got worse. My ex mentioned at the beginning of his speech “My marriage fell apart…” That had me livid because that statement implied that either I had left him or our marriage had broken down over a long period of time because we were arguing and not getting along so we both made the mutual decision to separate. In reality he didn’t even let on that he was the least bit unhappy until one night, three days after Christmas (and three months after I underwent hip surgery), he came home, announced that he was moving out, left behind two handwritten letters and the first alimony check, then bolted out the door. In fact, I wrote this post on the night he abruptly left indicating my hope that he would return soon. The following month I learned from friends that he had hooked up with a friend of ours who has long been suffering from severe mental health issues and he married her just two months after our divorce was final. For him to say “My marriage fell apart…” implying that it was something that happened to him is totally disingenuous and dishonest. If he had simply said “I got divorced” I probably would not have been as angry and upset.

I’m the one who had more right to say “My marriage fell apart…” than he did because he was the one who left me for a woman with severe mental health problems, insisted on a divorce, refused to consider marriage counseling, demanded that we separate all of our finances according to this schedule that he worked out in his head or else he would sue me, got engaged to the other woman eight months after he left me (while he was still legally married to me), sent divorce papers in a .pdf format that was attached to an email that was sent on Christmas Eve, and married the other woman just two months after our divorce was final.

As it turned out I ended up tuning out the rest of the service because I was fuming and I focused on perusing Facebook on my smartphone instead. I bolted out of the church as soon as I could, headed to a Starbucks that’s located inside of a Target that’s located near the venue where the birthday party was scheduled to be held, and just sat there drinking a soda I had purchased until it was time for the party to begin.

My biggest lesson is that from now on I’m going to look up the topic of a Sunday service before going to church. That way I can avoid hearing any future talks from my ex-husband.

On top of that there is my ongoing job search for a new day job. I’ve gone to various networking events and job search seminars and job fairs only to come up empty. I could write a separate post about how broken the job search process has become—complete with emailing resumes to various websites with no responses, people not returning phone calls when I did follow-up calls on job applications and left messages, and things like that. Even temp agencies have gotten completely dysfunctional where recruiters now tell you to go to their website, look at all of the jobs that are posted there and if you see a job that you like, you should send a resume and if the recruiters think you’re qualified, they will call you. Years ago I used to be able to easily find work through temp agencies simply by calling for an appointment and taking a series of tests (which measured typing speed, the ability to solve simple math problems, and knowledge of basic English grammar) but now most of them no longer give any kind of tests and they aren’t even into seeing you in person any more. I can’t even recommend temp agencies to anyone. And I’m not the only one. I have a friend who was let go from her job, which she had originally gotten after working there as a temp. She tried the temp agencies herself and she has gotten the same runaround as I did.

My car brakes started to make a grinding noise every time I used the brake pedal, which freaked me out. I initially decided not to drive the car to any place that was more than 10 miles away from home. Then the grinding noise got worse and I became too afraid to even drive my car because I was scared of not having any brakes at all. I couldn’t afford to get them repaired because of my money situation so I was left with no other alternative other than to leave my car parked while running the engine for a few minutes once a week so the car engine wouldn’t deteriorate from disuse. (I’ve know someone whose car stopped working after she didn’t use it at all for about a month or longer so she had to get it towed and repaired.) I started walking or using public transportation, which definitely put a crimp in my job search because I was limited to applying only to places that I could get to by Metrobus or Metrorail or some other form of public transportation.

I had to call my own mother telling her about my car situation while telling her that I didn’t know when I would ever be able to visit her in person again because she lives in a part of the state that has no public transportation whatsoever.

My Sagittarius Dolly channel was let go from the YouTube Partner program this month because I didn’t get enough subscribers or watch hours. I never earned any money from that program (that’s because of YouTube’s policy of not issuing payment until it reached the minimum $100 threshold and I never earned more than about $10 or $20 total) but I was still peeved because I was among the hundreds of less popular channels who were essentially paying the price for what Logan Paul did in Japan last month, which I already went into once, twice, and three times.

My PlayStation 2 console stopped working and today I found out that my Wii remote has stopped working even though I’ve been putting in new batteries with the same result. Those two console problems are nothing compared to what I’m going through but they seemed to be part of a continuum of how horrible February has gotten for me.

If all that weren’t enough, it had been raining most of February, which made me feel even more depressed. There was the occasional sunny day but it was mostly gloomy clouds and rain.

And I’m not even about to go into the constant news about President Donald Trump’s latest antics other than I find it so draining learning that we have a totally immature man-child in the White House. I’m also not even going to bother with the Parkland shooting in Florida on Valentine’s Day other than to say that I’m totally pissed that nothing has been done to enact gun safety over the past several years and this latest shooting would have never happened had some common sense gun laws been passed years ago. I’m glad that the kids who survived that shooting are starting to agitate for change and other students from around the country are also starting to launch their own protests as well.

So I was down and out. But then a few things happened that made me less down and out. I had one friend loan me the money to repair the brakes on my car (which came to a whopping $560). I made arrangements with my co-op regarding being able to pay my co-op fees. By the end of the month I got my car back. I also had friends who were very kind to me, especially when they learned about my situation. One friend gave me $100 out of the blue when she learned about my car situation. I will always remember that act of kindness. I have a friend who wants my help in making a documentary about someone who is going to celebrate her 100th birthday this year and she said she will pay me. I have another friend who needs my help regarding computers and there may be money in it as well.

Plus I’m expected to pay off that loan from my friend by helping him with putting various things for sale on eBay while giving him the proceeds from each sale. I told him I can’t guarantee that any of those eBay listings will lead to actual sales. I’ve had mixed results with eBay and Etsy over the years where I seemed to have more unsold stuff than stuff that actually sold. I’ve generally done better with selling things at street fairs and I think it’s because people are more likely to make an impulse buy if they see something in person than some picture that’s on a computer screen. Maybe I can do a big yard sale if the eBay thing doesn’t work out. But in any case I’m going to give the eBay thing a try first so I would have more time waiting for the weather to improve so I can put on a yard sale if I need to do so.

The biggest lesson about my story is that it always helps to have friends who are supportive because you’ll never know when you’ll need to rely on them. In any case I’m ready to put February behind me starting tomorrow.

Santa Claus

 

 

 

 

For the past five years I’ve undergone some extreme drama. It all started in 2011 when I fell twice in a week and I ended up knocking my hip replacement (which I originally received back in 2008) out of alignment. I was told that I had to undergo hip revision surgery in order to put my hip replacement back in alignment if I wanted a chance of walking normally again.

The day before my scheduled surgery I decided to go on a fun shopping trip. I went to Tysons Corner, where I shot these photos as I walked around the mall in my walker. I decided to treat myself to something nice. I ended up going to the American Girl place where I purchased this historical 1970s doll, named Julie Albright, because she was wearing the same kind of outfit that I wore back in the 1970’s.

webfriendlyversion

I didn’t tell my husband about the purchase at the time because it was the day before my surgery and we both had been stressed out over my upcoming surgery. I just didn’t want to provoke a fight or anything. I decided to just hide the doll while I eventually planned on telling him about the purchase once my hip started to heal. (It wasn’t like we couldn’t afford the purchase because he was—and still is—a programmer at NASA.)

I went through with the surgery followed by physical therapy. My husband took wonderful care of me while I was in recovery. He never indicated that he was unhappy or anything. There were times when I took the doll out of her temporary hiding place while I admired her and read the books that I purchased at the same time as the doll. I was looking forward to getting my life totally back on track with the man I loved. We shared a lovely Christmas Day together and I sensed that we were going to make out okay.

But then, just three days later, he walked out on me. It was so abrupt and shocking. In addition, he left behind a note where he essentially blamed my purchase of American Girl’s 1970s historical doll Julie Albright as the main reason why he left because this doll “added to the clutter of our home.” I was dumbfounded by all this. I thought he had merely flipped out after all the stress he had gone through. (Not only did he had to deal with my hip operation but there were job-released stress plus he was battling bronchitis during the holidays.) I wrote a blog post that night stating that I hoped we would get back together.

I had seriously thought about selling the doll on eBay because I really didn’t want a doll to destroy what had basically been a decent marriage. I also felt horrible that my purchase of that doll was what made him feel that he had to leave home after he spent a serious amount of time to make all of the necessary arrangements before my surgery then taking leave from his NASA job to take care of me after my surgery. I never intended to drive my own husband away from home. I thought that if I would sell the doll on eBay, I would tell my husband about the sale, and he would return home.

I was so glad that I never did this because a month later I had friends tell me that they had saw him with one of the barmaids at a local cafe who had been struggling with severe depression (she only worked two nights a week because of it and she had recently qualified for SSI disability payments) and he had been taking her on dates to the same cafe where she worked. So, yeah, he blamed a doll that I purchased the day before my hip surgery for making him leave me for a seriously mentally ill friend.

photo2

Over the next several months he would engage in cyberbullying where he would demand that we separate our finances via email and text (he refused to call me or meet with me in person to talk like normal human beings) according to his own schedule and if I balked in any way, he would threaten to sue me. (I still have those original hateful emails printed out and filed away.) I’m sure he probably blamed my purchase of that doll the day before my hip surgery for what he did as well.

photo4

I later found out that eight months after he walked out on me and hooked up with that mentally ill friend, he asked her to marry him and she agreed even though he was still legally married at the time. I’m sure he probably blames my purchase of that doll the day before my hip surgery for making him do that. (LOL!)

photo1

In 2012, just four days before the first anniversary of our separation, he sent an email that was dated December 24 (Christmas Eve) that contained a divorce petition in a .pdf format that was attached to the email. Between the cyberbullying demanding that we adhere to this separation of finances schedule or else he would sue me and emailing a divorce petition on Christmas Eve, I am now convinced that he basically lied to me all those years when he said he “loved” me. How else can I explain the fact that one day he acted like he loved me and still wanted to stay with me and the next day he not only leaves me but he acts like he has detested me all those years? He probably blames my purchase of the doll the day before my hip surgery for that one as well.

photo2

Three months after our divorce was final he married the other woman despite her mental health issues. He probably blames my purchase of the doll the day before my hip surgery for that one as well.

photo1

It’s so lame and cowardly for a man to blame a doll for leaving his wife without ever telling her that he was unhappy (while pretending to love her all those years), refuse to speak with her while demanding that she followed a certain schedule that he set, start dating a seriously mentally ill woman (and, yes, he knew about her mental health before he hooked up with her), quickly get engaged to her while still being legally married, send divorce papers in an email on Christmas Eve, then marry the other woman just three months after the divorce is final.

photo6

I’m trying my best to move on. I’m at the point where I no longer want to have anything to do with him mainly because I’m convinced that he lied to me all those years when he said that he loved me. I go out with friends but I’m not in a relationship or anything like that. Right now I’m busy with trying to survive in a harsh economy while dealing with the arrival of President Donald Trump next month.

I’m mostly over my ex-husband but there are times when I still remember what he did to me whenever I see or hear something that dredges up the past. One reminder came just a couple of months ago when old recordings surfaced where Donald Trump told Howard Stern that he thinks that Lindsey Lohan would be great in bed because she was troubled at the time. Thanks to Trump’s confession, I now realize that this may possibly be one of the reasons why my husband has chosen to replace me with a mentally ill woman. I guess I should publicly thank Donald Trump for that insight. (LOL!)

All I can say is that I’m glad I never sold this doll on eBay in an effort to get my husband back because it would’ve been an exercise in futility.

IMG_20140412_162223-smallerversion

I recently submitted this piece to last weekend’s Greenbelt Labor Day Art Show for display, which I did in acrylic paint. It’s basically fan art based on the hit TV show My Little Pony.

picture5

My Little Pony
Acrylic on canvas
10 inches x 10 inches
25 cm x 25 cm

Here is the story behind this project, which began during a relatively dark period in my life. Two months before I started this project in 2013 I ended up in divorce court. Not long afterwards the new STEM center that was then-known as Club 125 opened its doors for the first time. (It has since been renamed Makerspace 125.) Since it was supposed to be a drop-in place for making anything we want, I thought it would be a cool idea to bring some of my acrylic paints to paint these small 4 inch x 4 inch (10 cm x 10 cm) canvases that I recently purchased from the local arts and crafts store. I thought that if painting these small canvases worked out for me, I might even paint more of them to sell at future street craft shows.

I was stuck on what I wanted to paint until I decided to paint the characters based on the hit TV series My Little Pony, which has attracted a sizable audience of college-aged men despite the fact that the series was originally targeted at girls under 10. I’ve seen a few episodes myself and I liked the series. I also thought that the characters were cute and colorful enough to try to replicate on a canvas.

I combed the Internet for some My Little Pony images that I could use as a reference when creating my pieces and I drew them at home. The following day I packed my art supplies and headed over to the STEM center to work on my canvases. I started with this canvas, which featured the two pegasus characters Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash.

picture1

I was mostly done with that canvas when I got a call from my divorce lawyer telling me that the divorce certificate had just arrived at his office and he offered to drive by my place to give my copy to me. I told him that I wasn’t at home but I was at the STEM center. He went there and gave the certificate to me. It was a good thing that I had finished painting the first canvas because I had lost all enthusiasm for working on it after I got the certificate. After the lawyer left I waited for that one canvas to dry then packed my art supplies and left.

After that day I didn’t touch any of the other small canvases for a long time. I just lost enthusiasm for the project because of the memory of getting that divorce certificate. From time to time they would turn up whenever I was doing periodic decluttering and I would say that I should try to finish the other three but then I didn’t get around to it. In 2014 I took an initial stab of working on this canvas featuring Rarity, Spike, and Twilight Sparkle but I stopped working on it after I painted some areas because, once again, I lost enthusiasm for this project.

picture2

For the next two years the My Little Pony tiny canvas project consisted of only one finished canvas, one partially painted canvas, and two other canvases that were drawn in pencil but unpainted. This year, as I came across the four canvases yet again while doing some decluttering, I finally decided that I was tired of finding the mostly unfinished canvases, vowing that I would get around to finishing the project one day in some vague future, then not doing anything further with them. So I made the time to finish this project once and for all. I decided to try working on one of the easier canvases I drew instead of finishing the partially painted canvas (which had a lot of detail work plus I drew the three figures a bit on the small side). I spent a couple of hours working on the gray cross-eyed pegasus character, who was given the unofficial name Derpy Hooves by the My Little Pony fandom although the series itself initially named the character Ditzy Doo but has since renamed her Muffins.

picture3

Having felt a sense of achievement at finishing that canvas, I decided to do a longer painting session where I would simultaneously work on the partially finished canvas featuring Rarity, Spike, and Twilight Sparkle while working on this last canvas featuring the two earth ponies known as Applejack and Pinkie Pie.

picture4

I basically took out all of the paints I would need to finish the two canvases then I worked this way: I would paint all of the areas on both canvases that needed to be done in green, then I did all of the areas that needed to be done in pink, etc. until I managed to finish all of the painting.

Once I finished painting all of the canvases I began to evolve my thinking on what I would ultimately do with them. I initially thought about gluing magnets on the back so they would serve as refrigerator magnets but then I realized that, given the dimensions, they would be a bit too big for that function. I thought about using them as coasters but I wasn’t crazy about the idea of people putting hot or cold cups of liquids on something that was made as unique one of a kind works of art. I also discounted the idea of turning them into pins or pendants because they were too big for that function. I knew that I could display them on tiny easels but, since I intended the four to serve as a set, I wasn’t sure if anyone would want to purchase four tiny works of art with tiny easels at once.

Then I hit upon this idea. I purchased a blank 10 inch x 10 inch (25 cm x 25 cm) canvas from a local art supply store. I painted the canvas using the same colors I used for the sky, clouds, and grass in the four smaller canvases. Then I took some acrylic gel and I glued the four smaller canvases on to the larger canvas to create one standalone piece.

picture5

I finished this piece shortly before I learned about my mother’s latest hospitalization so I was able to have a completed piece to submit to the 2016 Greenbelt Labor Day Art Show while I made the commute to Glen Burnie to visit my mom. I managed to submit it just a few hours after I visited my mother for the last time prior to her discharge from the hospital the following day.

While the painting was on display at the Greenbelt Labor Day Art Show, I saw some positive feedback first-hand. One condition of participating in the art show is that everyone had to sign up for one shift of either helping with setting up the exhibit, serving a one-hour shift as a monitor, or helping with taking down the exhibit at the end. I signed up for serving as a monitor between 3 p.m.-4 p.m. on Saturday. During my monitoring time a mother came in with her three elementary school-age daughters. I heard the daughters suddenly squeal with delight and I realized that they were squealing over my painting when one of them was saying “Look, there’s Fluttershy and Rarity and Spike and Applejack…”

The one rule of doing fan art is this: You know you have successfully rendered your fan art when other people can recognize the character(s) and can name the relevant movie/TV series/comic books/anime/manga/Disney animated movie.

A couple of years ago I went to a party at the home of a person whom I met through my support group for people who are separated or divorced. She announced that she was having a bonfire and she invited people to bring anything they would like to burn. A couple of years ago I brought my wedding cake topper to burn, which I wrote about in this blog and I shot this short video.

Recently the same person was having another party with a bonfire at her home and she invited people to bring something to burn. I found something that had been hanging on the wall of my home that I thought would be proper to burn. It was a wedding present from my parents and it featured this embroidery piece that was handmade by my mother the placed in this lovely frame. It had hung in the living room of my home for many years and it still remained there after my husband literally ran away from home and subsequently divorced me.

I no longer wanted the embroidery piece as is. I couldn’t sell it on eBay because it was personalized with my name and my ex-husband’s name along with the date of our wedding. I thought of ways that I could somehow alter it and maybe use it in some kind of potential future arts and crafts project only to find that it really can’t be altered without ruining or destroying the piece.

I called my mother to see if she would want it back since she worked hard on it but she said she didn’t want it either (especially since it has my ex-husband’s name on it).

So I did what I felt I had to do. I removed the piece from the frame (which I kept because it’s really too lovely to destroy and I can definitely recycle it), brought it with me to the party, and burned it. I also made a video of its destruction.

The party hostess also provided sparklers for the guests to light (especially since it was the night before the Fourth of July holiday) and here’s a photo of one of the sparklers I lit using the bonfire.

sparkler

The week of June 21-26 was a bittersweet one for me because I had to say good-bye to two different women who are exiting from my life physically in two different ways for different reasons.

June 21 was the last Sunday service that our outgoing minister was taking part in before leaving her job with our Unitarian Universalist congregation due to health reasons. (She suffered a stroke on Good Friday of last year. While she managed to survive it, she became paralyzed on her left side. Our congregation tried to fill in with visiting ministers and lecturers through the rest of the spring and summer in the hopes that she would be able to resume her job by September. When her recovery was far slower than we hoped, we decided to hire an interim caretaker minister for one year in the hope that she would be fully recovered by then. But then she reached this plateau in her physical therapy and it became apparent that she would either never make a full recovery or it may take several years for her to make some kind of a recovery. In the meantime the interim caretaker minister had expressed his desire to return to retirement when his one year of service was up. Our minister decided that it would be best for everyone concerned if she would resign so she could continue to recover at her own pace without having to deal with a deadline and our congregation can look for a new minister who could handle the full duties that our outgoing minister was unable to perform because the stroke had left her with chronic fatigue.) I think it’s sad that it had to happen but I think it’s the best decision for everyone given the circumstances.

A few weeks before her last Sunday service, some members of the congregation decided to organize a memory book where people could write letters, insert drawings or photographs, or any other items that the minister would appreciate. The Sunday before that last service, I did this Zentagle doodle with a short message in the middle.

smallversionforweb

The message in the middle basically reads as follows.

Lots of memories. Too many to put on a single page. I remember the pleasant chats we had before the stroke. I also remember when I ran into you and Don [the minister’s husband] at the Black Lives Matter March in Washington, DC in December, 2014. Best wishes as you recuperate from your stroke and figuring your future career path.

I basically worked on my quick masterpiece during the annual All-Congregational Meeting that was held after Sunday service while listening to the items on the agenda.

The following Sunday I showed up for what would be the minister’s last Sunday service before she stepped down. While she did a decent job of doing the readings and the sermon, I understood why she felt the need to leave. Her left side is still paralyzed. When she first suffered the stroke, her entire left side was paralyzed. Thanks to speech therapy she was able to regain the ability to talk but, otherwise, she couldn’t move her left arm or leg. When she was at the pulpit I noticed that her left arm was tucked in a black elastic sling and she required the use of a really steady walking cane that had four legs (instead of a normal average walking cane with only one tip at the end of a long stick).

It was a sad occasion that was made more melancholy for me by the fact that my ex-husband had made one of his rare appearances at church. (His church attendance has gotten more sporadic since he left me. Not that I’m complaining because I’d prefer that he doesn’t show up because these days I can’t stand to be in the same room with him. If he was to start attending church more often, I would seriously consider quitting that congregation altogether.) I only put up with it because it was the minister’s last Sunday service because, otherwise, I would’ve walked out the minute he entered the church building. There was a lunch reception following the Sunday service. I had thought about skipping it because I really didn’t want to share the same space with my ex any longer than I had to. It turned out that when the Sunday service ended, he talked with a couple of people for a while then he left before the reception began. I was totally relieved that he left. I still have a lot of recent ugly memories of what he did to me over the last three years and it has seriously colored my attitude towards him because when I look at him, all I can think about is the way he walked out, the e-mails and texts demanding that I adhere to his own separation schedule, and how he decided that he not only had to hook up with a friend who’s struggling with severe mental illness but he had to marry her ASAP.

I’m glad my ex-husband left because I got to eat the excellent lunch (they even had enough leftovers that the organizers begged people to take the extras home so I’m able to stretch my food budget a bit further for the next few weeks) followed by cake. There were two cakes in two different flavors.

photo1

photo2

I had two small pieces of each and I found them to be very tasty.

A few days later I went to another farewell event. The good news was that the person who’s leaving is in good health and it was also an event that I didn’t have to worry about my ex-husband showing up. This event was for a woman whom I met through my support group for people who are separated or divorced.

This woman was someone who had started to attend meetings long before I did and she eventually wended her way up to volunteer facilitator. (Here’s a brief explanation for those who have never been involved in any kind of divorce recovery work. Our group begins each weekly meeting with a trained mental health professional who would lead a short discussion on a different topic dealing with a certain aspect of the separation/divorce experience ranging from dealing with anger to trying to coparent children with an ex to dating after a divorce. After that discussion, the larger group breaks into two or three smaller groups—depending on the attendance that week—where each of the small group meets with a volunteer facilitator where that facilitator reads a prepared question and we discuss that question. A volunteer facilitator is someone who initially started attending the group as a newly separated or divorced person and has decided to use his/her experience to help others. That facilitator receives special training on how to deal with an attendee in a small group session.)

I was grateful that I met that woman as a volunteer facilitator when I first started attending weekly meetings because I was a total nervous wreck. My husband had abruptly walked out on me without ever indicating that he was unhappy and he had previously been caring and loving towards me until the night he left. When I listened to other people’s stories, I initially felt like a freak because other people had spoken about how their marriages had gradually broken down over a period of months or even years until one or both of the partners decide that he/she/they has/have had enough and simply break up. In some cases they had separated then reconciled only to separate again because the same problems kept on appearing. In my case, my separation was so abrupt that for a time I thought my husband had cracked under the recent stresses (stemming from his mother’s sudden death in 2010, the frequent trips to and from Phoenix so we could deal with her belongings, my hip injury in early 2011, my hip surgery later that year, the stresses of his job, and taking on a volunteer position as Church Treasures that was even more stressful on him). It took me a month before I learned the real reason why he left me and it was another woman whom I thought was a friend of mine.

But then this woman started talking about how her marriage failed and it was nearly identical to what happened to me. I can’t really elaborate further on the details of her story because of the group’s strict confidentiality rules but she admitted that she was a total nervous wreck when she first started attending the meetings and she was frequently in tears during the meetings. It took her a long time before she started to feel better about life in general and she didn’t cry as often.

I began to realize that if that woman can turn her life around from what happened to her, I can too. Thanks to her I knew that it was going to take a long time because of the abrupt way that my marriage ended but eventually I was going to turn my life around like she has.

Recently I learned that the woman, who was already retired from her job, had decided to move to Florida. The organization decided to throw a farewell party at the Greene Turtle Lounge in Columbia. I decided to attend because I really wanted to show my appreciation to her for what she said to me during the early days of my separation when I felt totally hopeless and dejected.

I hadn’t been to Columbia in a while so I decided to combine trips and go to other places on the way to and from the farewell party. I went to the Mall in Columbia briefly on the way to the party where I saw some cute items at Sears. There was a Hello Kitty/Baltimore Orioles onesie for babies.

picture1

There was also this really cool tye-dye Baltimore Orioles t-shirt as well.

picture2

When I arrived at the shopping center where the Greene Turtle Lounge was located, I saw this hamburger place located next door called Cheeburger Cheeburger which kind of surprised me. That’s because for those of us who were alive back in the 1970’s who watched Saturday Night Live, that name evoked this famous sketch starring the late John Belushi.

picture3

I finally arrived at the Greene Turtle Lounge. The area where the farewell party was held was very crowded with both current members and alumni. The next photo shows how crowded that area was.

picture4

I briefly said hello to the woman but I couldn’t say anything else because there were so many people waiting to say their good-byes to her. I managed to sit at a table (far from the main table where the woman sat) with a few people I knew from the weekly meetings where I was able to partake of some happy hour specials. (I ordered a crab pizza flatbread appetizer and a Corona beer. The appetizer was so big that I didn’t need to worry about ordering a main meal.) At one point the woman decided to leave because she had to prepare for her upcoming move. She came by our table briefly where we said out good-byes to her.

I had wanted to tell her about how her story about her own recovery from her sudden unexpected marital breakup had an impact on me because I felt that if she could recover from something traumatic and horrifying, I could too. But there were so many people there that I never got a chance to have any kind of deep conversation with her. The only consolation is that at least a lot of people attended her party so she was able to see for herself how much she meant to a lot of people and how much she will be missed once she moves to Florida.

I stayed for a while after the woman left but then the party began to thin out. While my fellow members decided to eat, drink, and socialize a bit longer, I decided to head out.

On the way home I decided to go to a store that I hadn’t been to since the death of my pet hedgehog Spike in 2013. Today’s Pet was among the pet stores that I used to regularly go to in order to purchase Spike’s hedgehog food and I used to browse at the animals currently available for sale. Today’s Pet was located just a couple of miles from the Greene Turtle Lounge so I decided to stop there on the way back for old time’s sake and I even took a few brief pictures. Here are a couple of photos of some very colorful birds.

picture5

picture6

I saw these hairless rats, which looked pretty freaky. They looked like newborn mutant infants with long tails.

picture7

There were a bunch of bunnies who were more normal looking.

picture8

Then I came across the display of hedgehogs, which brought back memories of when I first took Spike home. While there are times that I still miss Spike, I’ve decided to put off looking for a new pet for the time being due mainly to financial reasons. Even if I was to get a new pet in the future, I’d think I would go with a different animal other than a hedgehog because I still remember Spike’s less-than-friendly personality that was just as prickly as the quills on his body. I still couldn’t resist taking this one photo though.

picture9

Fathers' Day

A few weeks ago I obtained a notice from the Office of Personnel Management regarding my ex-husband’s NASA pension. Per the separation and divorce agreement, I’m entitled to receive a portion of my ex-husband’s pension and my ex made a filing on my behalf. The bad news was that my ex had neglected to include a copy of the original Separation and Divorce Agreement. On top of it, my ex had provided a plain photocopy of the divorce certificate. Basically OPM wanted a plain photocopy of the Separation and Divorce Agreement and a certified copy of the divorce certificate.

I don’t know if my ex-husband was being absent-minded (I recall the many times when he would leave for work in the morning only to return home anywhere between 5-15 minutes later because he forgot something) or if he did it deliberately in order to antagonize me but, at this point, it doesn’t matter. Basically my ex screwed up and I had to fix his mistakes if I want to receive anything from this pension. I can easily photocopy the Separation and Divorce Agreement myself using my Canon all-in-one machine that’s a combined photocopier, printer, scanner, and fax machine.

As for the certified copy of my divorce certificate, I only had one copy that I was reluctant to mail off because there’s always a chance that I would need it for some reason at some time in the future. So I had to get another certified copy of my divorce certificate and that meant that I had to make a special trip to the Prince George’s County Courthouse in Upper Marlboro, Maryland.

Since I had to make that trip, I decided to do some research to see if I could make that trip a bit more fun than just going to the courthouse. I tried the Roadside America site and I came up empty. I have a copy of a promo brochure listing all of the scenic routes that one could take in the state of Maryland so I decided to look through it and found that Upper Marlboro is directly on the Star-Spangled Banner Trail, which tracks the route of the attempted British invasion of the United States during the War of 1812. The Star-Spangled Banner Trail formally debuted just a couple of years ago in order to coincide with the bicentennial of the War of 1812, which means that there are now special signs (such as the one on this webpage) indicating that you are on that trail. (Before then, anyone who wanted to retrace the steps of the British invasion had to do their own research and mapping of the route.)

So I decided to take that drudgery special trip to Upper Marlboro in order to obtain a certified copy of my divorce certificate and turn it into a fun trip along the Star-Spangled Banner Trail.

On that day I decided to go to the Prince George’s County Courthouse first because of, you know, business before pleasure. I waited until the afternoon to begin driving to Upper Marlboro because I know from previous experience that the mornings are a total zoo there. Upper Marlboro is the county seat for Prince George’s County so both the Prince George’s County Council and the Prince George’s County Board of Education hold meetings and work sessions there. But the biggest hub of activity is the courthouse, where all kinds of court cases are heard before a variety of judges.

I’ve been to the courthouse four previous times. The first time was when I was called to testify as a witness for the prosecution in a criminal case stemming from the time when a bunch of homes in my neighborhood were burglarized, including my own. (My home burglary happened on the afternoon of New Year’s Eve. My husband was doing some paperwork at his NASA office while I had gone shopping. When I came home I saw that the window had been forced open, the living room lamp had been knocked over on the couch, and the VCR in the living room was missing. The burglars had stolen the VCR, an old laptop that my husband and I had previously decided to replace, and a box full of rings that were mostly costume jewelry. The people who were arrested had previously done yard work for us and all of the other homes they burglarized. It turned out that these yard workers were also part of a crack cocaine ring and they only did the yard work in order to finance their crack habit.) I was waiting in a room at the courthouse along with the other prosecution witnesses when the prosecutor came in and told us that the defendant (who was the supposed leader of this crack ring) decided to change his plea from not guilty to guilty about five minutes before the trial was to begin. The second and third times were for jury duty. (Both times I was place in a pool for criminal trials but I was dismissed during the jury selection phases.) The fourth time was the day I appeared in divorce court. My case was the first one on the docket and I was out of there by 9:30 a.m. I ended up traveling to Baltimore and walking all over the place while wondering what the hell happened.

So I made a trip to Upper Marlboro for the first time since my divorce trial in 2013. On the day of my trip it was raining off and on most of the day, which is why all of the outdoor photos in this post have cloudy skies and wet pavement. I arrived in the afternoon. (The one good thing is that after several days of hot and humid weather with temperatures ranging from the high 80’s to the low 90’s, the rain had lowered the temperature to a more pleasant 75 degrees with low humidity.) Like my previous trips, parking was still a total hassle. Upper Marlboro is a very small town. There are a limited number of parking meters along the streets and the parking garages that are adjacent to the courthouse are limited to judges, lawyers, and other courthouse employees. Everyone else is expected to park in the parking lots at the Show Place Arena and the adjacent Prince George’s Equestrian Center and take the shuttle bus over to the courthouse.

photo1

The next photo shows the water tower at the sprawling complex with a painting that indicates that, yes, this area has an equestrian center.

photo2

Both the Prince George’s County Courthouse and the town of Upper Marlboro itself are rich in history. Upper Marlboro was first settled in 1695 and it was named after the 1st Duke of Marlborough, John Churchill, who was also the ancestor of Winston Churchill. The site of the courthouse was once part of a larger plantation known as Darnall’s Chance and it was the birthplace of John Carroll, who served as the first Roman Catholic Bishop and Archbishop in the United States and who also founded Georgetown University in nearby Washington, DC. Today there are signs and markers on the grounds of the courthouse showing the exact place where John Carroll was born.

photo3

photo4

The courthouse was eventually built on land that was once part of Darnall’s Chance and, since 1721, it has been a critical part of the town. The next photo shows the older section of the courthouse, which is located along Main Street.

photo5

Generally when you park at the Show Place Arena/Equestrian Center and take the shuttle bus, you get deposited at the back of the courthouse, which is really a separate building that was built in the 1990’s and is connected to the older front courthouse building by walkways. This more modern building is notable for having this statue of three horses outside the doors.

photo6

Arriving at the courthouse in the afternoon was a great idea on my part because everything is more laid-back. There were a few trials in session but the courthouse was mostly empty. It’s amazing when you show up in a courthouse and you don’t have to show up at any trial because you can have a more leisurely walk and you can have the luxury of admiring some features of the entire building complex that you wouldn’t notice if you were going to and from a courtroom. I was able to admire the rich mahogany trim along the walls and the nice checkerboard floor.

photo7

There was this pretty stained glass that was framed by mahogany trim.

photo8

It took a while for me to get my certified divorce certificate mainly because the entire courthouse complex is such a labyrinth that, at times, I felt like I was going through a maze. I needed to go to the Court of the Clerk office but there were at least four different Court of the Clerk offices—one was for criminal trials, one was for civil lawsuits, one was for cases involving child custody and child support, and the one that I needed to go to—the one that dealt with family court including divorces. I eventually found the right Court of the Clerk office. I had to file my request, then go to another counter to pay the 50 cent fee for the official divorce certificate copy, then go back to the first counter and wait for my official copy of my divorce certificate. Not only did I get my copy with the embossed seal but the woman also made another copy for me so, if I ever find myself in a situation where I have to mail an official copy of my divorce certificate to someone else, I’ll have one copy that I can spare without having to make a return trip to Upper Marlboro. Sweet!

Here’s a last photo of the interior of the Prince George’s County Courthouse showing, in the distance, the metal detectors that everyone has to walk through in order to get inside.

photo9

If it weren’t for the fact that it’s a courthouse, I would say that visitors who are into architecture and/or interior decorating would love viewing the building’s interiors. But, let’s face it, the Prince George’s County Courthouse is the kind of place where you only visit if you really need to be there for official reasons (like a court summons). It’s definitely not a tourist attraction. Although I was fascinated by this tree that was planted close to the shuttle bus stop while waiting for a ride back to the Show Place Arena/Equestrian Center so I could retrieve my car.

photo10

The bark had this intricate pattern on it.

photo11

Even the roots of that same tree had an interesting pattern.

photo12

Even though downtown Upper Marlboro is a colonial town that’s rich in history, unlike other historical colonial downtowns (like Annapolis or Old Town Alexandria), there isn’t a lot of shopping or other attractions.

photo13

There are a few places like a couple of clothing boutiques, a spa, and a jewelry store. Plus there are a few dining establishments.

photo14

photo15

photo16

photo17

photo18

photo19

There are a few law offices since the courthouse is the main source of so much activity in Upper Marlboro during the week but, believe it or not, the law offices aren’t even the biggest businesses operating in that town.

photo20

The biggest industry that operates in Upper Marlboro is bail bonds.

photo21

That’s right, bail bonds.

photo22

Everywhere I walked there seemed to be bail bonds.

photo23

The only advantage of so many bail bonds in one place that I can think of is that one can easily shop around to get the best deals. But for anyone else who are into exploring historical districts, the proliferation of so many bail bonds in such a small historical district is a total turn-off.

photo24

What’s more, there are more bail bond places that I didn’t even bother with photographing other than the ones in this post.

photo25

There is only one reason why the Star-Spangled Banner Trail even runs through Upper Marlboro: the British troops made their way through that town while going further north to Washington, DC. But, to be honest, Darnall’s Chance is about the only genuine historical tourist place in that town. Even though neither the Wikipedia nor the official website mentions any role that Darnall’s Chance may have played in the War of 1812, the place was standing when that war happened and it was somehow spared from being torched by the invading British troops.

photo26

photo27

The house itself is only opened on the weekends. I went there once years ago (when I was still married) when the house had its annual display of gingerbread houses around Christmas. I didn’t bring my camera at the time but I remembered being impressed by the creativity. I even toured the rest of the house. Darnall’s Chance would be considered “small” by today’s standards mainly because back in the 1700’s (when the house was originally built), it was impractical to have a very large house because heating it in the winter would’ve been difficult. But back in the day it was considered a mansion and the people who lived there were mainly wealthy. Darnell’s Chance sports a wide yard where outdoor weddings can be booked.

photo28

The one interesting thing about walking on the grounds of Darnall’s Chance is seeing this family vault located just a few feet away from the house.

photo29

photo30

After I got what I needed from the Prince George’s County Courthouse, I decided to drive south along the Star-Spangled Banner Trail. I traveled mainly along Maryland Route 382 (which, believe it or not, has its own Wikipedia page). Once I got out of Upper Marlboro, the road suddenly turned into a one-lane road and the area became more rural. It was full of picturesque farms on rolling hills. I wanted to take some pictures but there were very few areas where I could safely pull off on the side of the road plus that road was heavy with traffic. Instead I’m just going to provide a few Google Street View screenshots to give you an idea as to how rural this area is.

photo31

photo32

photo33

At various points along the Star-Spangled Banner Trail, there are forks in the road where the driver can decide whether to stay on the main road or veer off on a side trip. At the first fork, I opted to veer off on to Mount Calvert Road, where I came to the Mount Calvert Historical & Archaeological Park.

photo34

This place is such a goldmine for photographers that one can shoot lots of lovely picturesque scenes of farmland, rolling hills and the Patuxent River. Even with the rainy weather that day, I was still able to get a bunch of lovely shots. If all that wasn’t enough, I even spotted a rabbit hopping into a thicket of bushes. (Unfortunately that critter was too fast for my camera.)

photo35

photo36

photo37

photo38

photo39

photo40

photo41

photo42

photo43

photo44

photo45

photo46

photo47

Mount Calvert has signs all over the place noting the area as a site where the invading British troops landed and an incredible goldmine for archeologists as there are excavations uncovering artifacts that reflected the area’s past as a southern plantation (complete with African American slaves) and, before that, as a Native American settlement.

photo48

photo49

There is one other tidbit about this area that the signs I saw didn’t mention at all. According to this blog post, this area was also the site of two separate witch trials back in the 1680’s—one of which resulted in acquittal and the other one led to the defendant being hanged.

There is a house that overlooks the Patuxent River, which provides lovely breathtaking scenery on a daily basis. The house is only opened to the public on weekends so I had to just stick with taking exterior shots along with the view of the Patuxent River from that house.

photo50

photo51

photo52

photo53

photo54

After spending some time photographing the area, I decided to move on. As I was driving back along Mount Calvert Road, I noticed this flag display in the middle of a field with the sign reading “Dawn’s Early Light” (an obvious reference to the first verse of “The Star-Spangled Banner,” whose lyrics were written by Francis Scott Key during the War of 1812).

photo55

photo56

I eventually got back on Maryland Route 382 and drove further south until I hit another fork in the road. I decided to turn on Croom Airport Road and drive for a couple of miles until I came across the Patuxent River Park. The road leading to the park was thick with trees.

photo57

I came to a lovely park at the end of the road. Compared to Mount Calvert, the Patuxent River Park is relatively small yet it has all kinds of cute touches.

photo58

photo59

photo60

photo61

photo62

There was also the obligatory sign mentioning how this area was invaded by British troops during the War of 1812.

photo63

I was impressed by the restrooms. I usually don’t take photos of a toilet but it had a sign providing details on how it’s a state of the art toilet that’s supposed to conserve water.

photo64

photo65

The restroom also sported this unusual sink to wash your hands in. It was a box structure where you place your hands in the back of the bowl. Soap and water automatically dispenses on your hands for a few seconds. Then the hand dryer turns on automatically.

photo66

photo67

Like Mount Calvert, Patuxent River Park also overlooks the Patuxent River. The big difference I noticed is that Patuxent River Park offers river views that are obstructed by trees and bushes.

photo68

The Visitors Center is a wooden barn-like structure. Unfortunately it was closed when I was there but it had a nice garden planted all around the structure.

photo69

photo70

photo71

The park also has the Patuxent Rural Life Museums, which are opened only on the weekends, just like the other buildings I saw on the Star-Spangled Banner Trail. I didn’t bother stopping by there but the official website makes the museums look interesting.

After my visit to the Patxuent River Park, I continued to drive south along Maryland Route 382 until I reached the town of Croom (which is basically a collection of farms with no Main Street or downtown to speak of). By then it was getting close to dinner time but I decided to wait until later before I go back on the Capital Beltway because I didn’t feel like getting stuck in rush hour traffic. So I drove north on MD 382 until I reached Upper Marlboro once again. Unlike earlier, I was able to find metered parking on Main Street and I didn’t have to feed the meter with money either because it’s free parking after 6 p.m.

Basically Upper Marlboro is empty on weeknights when the courthouse closes for the day. I was able to walk around town without encountering another person and the few non-bail bond shops that were in town were closed.

I ended up eating dinner at Ledo’s Pizza (which has several restaurants scattered throughout the Washington, DC metro area). When I needed to use the restroom, I saw this painted wall with ultra cute teddy bear trim.

photo72

After dinner I drove back home along Route 4 and the Capital Beltway. I felt pretty relaxed as I arrived home. I only drove a small portion of the Star-Spangled Banner Trail (it runs from Southern Maryland all the way up to Fort McHenry in Baltimore). I’d love to do it again, this time I would leave earlier and start the trail near Solomons then drive north until nightfall or I’m tired (whichever comes first). I would also drive the trail on a Saturday or Sunday so I would have a chance to see the insides of the buildings that are usually closed during the week.

http://www.nablopomo.com

On the last day of May I decided to attend two back-to-back workshops that were held at Makerspace 125 in Greenbelt, Maryland. The first workshop was on creating your own art dolls. I haven’t created an art doll since Cinnamon Fire back in 2010 and I was winging it when I created her. (I originally did it for a contest that was sponsored by Art Doll Quarterly magazine but my entry didn’t get anywhere with the judges.)

This workshop was taught by a person who has been creating art dolls for a while. The next photo shows some of the art dolls she has created.

Art Doll Workshop at Makerspace 125, May 31, 2015

And here is my new art doll that I created in that workshop.

Art Doll Workshop at Makerspace 125, May 31, 2015

I intentionally created a melancholy doll because I went through a bit of a bad patch lately stemming in large part from the fact that this workshop took place shortly before what would’ve been my wedding anniversary had my husband not abruptly left me for a woman whom I once thought was my friend (but I now know differently) and my constant fretting over financial problems.

Art Doll Workshop at Makerspace 125, May 31, 2015

She measures about four inches tall. She has a clothespin body, a small wood base, pipe cleaner arms, and a face that the instructor had made from clay using a mold. (The faces were plain and we had to do face ups using watercolor pencils.)

Art Doll Workshop at Makerspace 125, May 31, 2015

I made her long hair from yarn that I glued on to her head. Her dress was made from a scrap of black fabric. I used a piece of fancy ribbon to create a headdress that suggests a veil. I glued tiny floral accents to each wrist.

Art Doll Workshop at Makerspace 125, May 31, 2015

I used red fabric scraps to cut out a broken heart that I glued to her chest. As I was cutting the tiny heart into two pieces, I found that I had frayed the material a little bit. I still used it because the frayed heart only further drove home the sadness and grief I’ve felt nonstop since the abrupt separation and divorce. I only wished that there had been a sad face available because I would’ve used it. I ended up using the face that came closest to being the slightly less than happy.

Art Doll Workshop at Makerspace 125, May 31, 2015

Pictures of my art doll, along with ones of other art dolls done by other people, are now on display at the Makerspace 125 website.

That workshop was immediately followed by another workshop on watercolors. While I’ve done watercolors mixed with other media (usually either ink or acrylic paint), I haven’t done an art piece using only watercolor since the time I did a series of apple watercolors for a Commercial Illustration class at a local community college where I had to deal with this teacher who had this unnatural obsession with me and my work that creeped me out so much that I ended up quitting taking art classes at that school.

Fortunately the teacher for this watercolor class was a very nice woman who’s pretty sane and normal (compared to that Commercial Illustration teacher) and I enjoyed this workshop as much as the previous art dolls workshop. Here is my watercolor.

Watercolor Workshop at Makerspace 125, May 31, 2015

It all started when the teacher instructed us to wet the paper first then put down a layer of whatever color we choose and I happened to choose blue. As I put down that layer, I began to think about the water and I thought it would be a perfect aquatic theme. I used my smartphone to do a Google search on a few images of fish swimming in the ocean before I remembered that it’s now crab season in Maryland so I did a blue crab. (I opted to do the blue crab as a living creature before it would be thrown in a pot of boiling water where it would turn red.) I used a couple of blue crab photos that I found through Google as my reference guide when working on the crab. My teacher and classmates liked it, which was cool. You can now view my blue crab along with other watercolors done by my classmates on Makerspace 125’s site.

Here’s a last photo of the two items I made in two back-to-back workshops at Makerspace 125.

The Items I Made at Two Workshops at Makerspace 125

http://www.nablopomo.com

I’ve written about my divorce before but I’m writing about it again not because I’m a drama queen but because I’m hoping that this post would get mentioned by the Delightfully Tacky blog. Especially with that blog’s The Brave Ones section where other writers write about their own experiences with overcoming trauma.

delightfullytacky

I don’t know if anything will come of it but I want to do things in the hope that my life will be improved enough so I can move on from the drama of the last three-and-a-half years. My therapist, divorce recovery support group, and even a few books have suggested that everyday I do at least one thing that could possibly help me move on from this major trauma that I went through and I’m still struggling with.

I married my college sweetheart. Compared to other boyfriends I’ve had, this man was very mature, level-headed, and very responsible. He never developed any addictions nor was he ever violent towards me in any way. We had a lot in common. When I introduced him to my parents, he managed to charm them. When I announced our engagement, my parents were totally thrilled because they liked him. We got married 10 months after I finished college and I felt like I had died and gone to heaven because I considered him to be my best friend as well as my husband. At times he even served as a model and muse for some of my art projects.

Man Lying in Bed, Watching Television (B&W)

Man Lying in Bed, Watching Television (Color)

We had weathered a lot together, including the sudden death of his mother in 2010 and my hip surgery in 2011. I thought that we were destined to spend the rest of our lives together. This blog post, which described this baseball card collage I made as a present for my husband in early 2011 based on his own suggestion, is typical of the married life I had with him.

Baseball Cards Collage

My husband did a lot for me both before and after my hip surgery. He made all the preparations for my surgery, he took time off from his job so he could take care of me while I recuperated, and he even lined up friends to drive me to and from physical therapy sessions when he had to return to his job. On Christmas Day, 2011, we had a lovely time together, which I recounted in this post. I was happy in the marriage and my husband acted happy as well. He didn’t indicate that he felt there were problems in our marriage or anything like that.

Michael Reclining on Couch

It all came to a sudden screeching halt just three days after that lovely Christmas Day and three months after my hip surgery. He came home from work, announced “I’m moving out…I found a room,” threw some pieces of paper my way, then ran out the door before I could even respond. I looked at the papers. One was a check for $2,000 that was designated as my first alimony payment. One was a separation schedule that he drummed up that would lead to our divorce. The other was a note where he blamed the fact that the day before I had the hip surgery, I went on a little shopping trip to a mall where I purchased an American Girl doll who was supposed to represent the 1970’s. she had long blonde hair (like I did before I hit my teens), and she wore an outfit that was nearly identical to one that I wore as a child in the same era.

photo4

Basically that doll was the reason why he said he had to leave home.

I was totally shocked by all this. At the time I thought he had simply snapped due to all the stress over my health problems and some stresses at his job and this volunteer job he took on as treasurer for our church. The night he left I wrote a short entry hoping that he would soon return home and the separation would be a short-lived one.

Michael in Red and Green

A couple of days later my husband was still missing so I did a few Google searches under “My husband ran away from home” and I was led to this book by Vikki Stark called Runaway Husbands where she went through a similar situation as I did. I ordered it through Amazon.com and for the next several months I read and re-read that book over and over again.

Despite Vikki Stark’s contention that, based on her own experiences and her research of other women who went through the same thing, my marriage was destined for divorce, I still held out hope that my husband would reconsider. I had even contemplated selling that doll that he blamed for the walkout on eBay in the hopes that he would realize that I was serious about saving our marriage and return to me.

When I read Stark’s book, especially the section about how there’s usually another woman involved, I initially thought that there was either no one else or, if there was another woman, she would’ve been a co-worker at my husband’s job at NASA. My assumptions were totally shattered a month later when a few of my friends finally came forward with the truth. They had seen him in the company of a friend of ours whom we both met through this cafe that we frequented. (She worked as a barmaid two nights a week while being open about struggling with severe depression that has impacted much of her adult life. She even mentioned that she had an experimental pacemaker implanted into her brain because her depression had grown that bad. About 10 months before my husband ran away from home she had to check into a hospital for a few days in order to adjust her meds because her body had adjusted to her current course of treatment.) He took her on dates to the same cafe where she worked as a barmaid (and the same one where my husband and I were regulars) within a week after he left me so my friends figured it out before I did.

I thought that the barmaid was my friend and I even felt sorry for her because of her struggles with mental illness. She was among my friends whom I approached when I was trying to look for my husband and she denied knowing where he was. When I told her how he ran away from home, she seemed shocked at the time. But now I realize that she was just a fake friend who had no qualms about stabbing me in the back while I was still recovering from hip surgery and was still willing to stay with him even after I told her he ran away from home.

For the next year I didn’t hear from my husband other than receiving e-mails and texts demanding that we separate our finances and we sign this separation agreement as soon as possible. In his messages he basically barked orders at me like I was his employee instead of his wife. Whenever I protested he would threaten to sue me in court. Basically my husband went from being my best friend to my own worst enemy.

Michael in Dots

To make manners worse, on Christmas Eve, 2012, he sent a divorce petition in a .pdf format that was attached to an e-mail. Then he demanded that I sign it and mail it to his lawyer as soon as possible. I consulted a lawyer who told me that it wasn’t real because there was no case number assigned to it. My husband had his lawyer file for divorce for real and I ended up in divorce court in April, 2013.  Our divorce was declared final by June. In August, just two months after the divorce being final, I got word via Facebook that my ex-husband and my ex-friend suddenly got married.

In the aftermath of my husband’s dramatic about face, I began to see a therapist and I also started attending weekly meetings of a divorce recovery support group. Through them I began to gain a new perspective on my marriage. I realize now that there were some issues in the marriage that I had swept under the carpet and was willing to overlook because I thought my husband was such a swell guy. For example, my husband grew up in a family that was basically dysfunctional and full of drama and it had an effect on him that I should not have ignored. These days I tell people that before they get married, see how that person interacts with his/her own family. If there’s something troubling about your fiancee’s family dynamic, get out now. Ditto for any other red flag that your fiancee may display. It’s easier and cheaper to break an engagement than it is to get a divorce.

I kept on reading other books after I went through Vikki Stark’s book several times and they were all a tremendous help to me. I also have to credit my family and friends for sticking by me and helping me through this sudden out-of-the-blue divorce. If it weren’t for them, I would be in a worse place now both mentally and financially.

I’ve always considered myself to be an artist but I’m having a hard time trying to make ends meet with only selling through art shows and craft fairs. I’m currently looking into temping and freelance work so I can support myself once my husband’s court-mandated five-year alimony runs out. I’m trying to move on. My therapist tells me that I’m making great progress but there are times when I doubt it myself.

I’ve also tried finding creative ways of dealing with what happened. When a member of my divorce recovery group threw a party at her home, she invited people to bring things in order to thrown into a bonfire that she was having in her backyard. I donated my old wedding cake topper for the occasion.

And then there is the time on Halloween when I did this wiccan/pagan ritual where I burned a lock of my ex-husband’s baby hair (which was saved by his late mother when he was nearly a year old and it came with a bunch of items from his mother’s estate—ultimately he left it behind with me).

I have no other choice but to keep on trying new avenues and make major life decisions by myself and hope everything works out for me because right now I’m currently in limbo. I don’t know where I’ll end up. I’m hoping for the best while trying everything possible to avoid the worst.

http://www.nablopomo.com

I know that this post is something that would be more appropriate for a Throwback Thursday but today is what would have been my wedding anniversary had my husband not decided to abruptly leave me with zero notice that he was ever unhappy, hooked up with the one friend who has struggled with mental health issues, then filed for divorce as soon as he could so he could marry her just two months after our divorce was final.

The only thing I can say about what could’ve been my wedding anniversary is that a few weeks ago I came across this meme on Facebook that exactly describes my feelings towards my ex-husband. That’s all that I will say here because this post isn’t about my ex-husband or what could’ve been on this day. Instead it’s about Hutzler’s, which would almost play a minor role in my wedding to my future ex-husband.

Hutzler’s was a regional chain of department stores that is now defunct. When I was a child my mother loved to shop at that store’s Glen Burnie location. She was especially fond of buying my clothes there.

However, I didn’t share my mother’s fondness for that store. I was a child at the time and I used to judge department stores by the size of their toy department. (LOL!) I loved it when my mother shopped at Hoschild Kohn’s for clothes because it had this awesome toy department and I used to hang there while my mother browsed through clothes in the women’s department. My mother would bribe me with allowing me to visit the toy department if I cooperated with helping her with trying on clothes that she wanted to buy for me.

In contrast, I remembered Hutzler’s toy department to be anywhere from tiny to nearly non-existent. I also remembered Hutzler’s was more like being in a religious retreat in that both shoppers and employees used to talk in hushed tones and I was constantly reminded to lower my voice while we were in that store. On top of it, my mother used to take a long time browsing through children’s clothes for me while I spent plenty of time trying on clothes only to have my mother say that a particular dress wasn’t my color or my style (even though it didn’t matter in the long run because I tended to outgrow my clothes every six months or so) so I would stay in the dressing room with my grandmother who lived with my family (she was my mother’s mother) while my mother ran out to grab more clothes. At times I felt like some kind of a dress-up doll. So, yeah, I admit that Hutzler’s was my least-favorite store.

My other grandmother (who was my father’s mother) got herself a part-time job working at the Hutzler’s store in Ellicott City (where she lived) after my grandfather died. I think she only took the job because she wanted something to do after my grandfather’s passing rather than she really needed the money. (She continued to received survivor benefits from my grandfather’s pension.) She seemed to enjoy her job because I remember she used to talk about it. I used to get clothes from her as birthday and Christmas presents that she purchased at Hutzler’s with her employee discount. (At least I didn’t have to go to that particular location to try on clothes. She used to just buy the clothes for me then provide a gift receipt that was taped to the inside of the box top in case my mother needed to exchange them for whatever reason.) I remember she worked there for at least five or six years until management decided to cut costs by laying off the older employees and my grandmother lost her job as a result. She basically decided to retire after that but I remember she was quite sad and angry at losing her job because she liked working there.

As I grew older I think my mother eventually began to pay attention to how much I didn’t like shopping in Hutzler’s because as I entered my teen years I was taken to Sears, Hoschild Kohn’s (the former is predicted to go out of business sometime in the near future and the latter is now defunct), and Levi’s (which used to operate its own store in Glen Burnie until it went out of business years ago) where I was finally given a say in selecting new clothes. (Although my mother still had final veto over any outfits that she felt were too sexy or too revealing or had some kind of a slogan on a t-shirt that she felt was too raunchy.)

Here is where what would’ve been my wedding anniversary today comes in. After I graduated from college my boyfriend and I announced our engagement. My parents were thrilled because they liked my choice of spouse at the time. (My father died in 2000 but my mother’s opinion towards my ex-husband has dramatically changed since he left me in late 2011 just three months after I underwent hip surgery and I was still in recovery the night he left me for good. ) My mother had an idea of me getting married in a Laura Ashley wedding gown that would be tea length and she wanted to take me shopping in downtown Baltimore. By that point Hutzler’s Glen Burnie location had closed (it was the beginning of the decline and fall of Hutzler’s) which was why she wanted to take me into the city for our shopping trip.

I remember it was part of a larger shopping expedition where we initially went to the Laura Ashley store that was in Harborplace at the time. We tried on a few Laura Ashley gowns but they were all cut in petite sizes and I’m not a petite person. We went on to the big Hutzler’s flagship store in downtown Baltimore and we didn’t have any better luck with the few Laura Ashley gowns that were in stock. (Ultimately I ended up with a more traditional wedding gown that my parents purchased from a typical wedding shop that has since gone out of business. In the end I was happy because, at the time, I secretly wanted a more traditional wedding gown than the Laura Ashley gowns that my mother favored but I didn’t say anything because my parents were paying for the wedding and I was also job hunting at the same time so I felt like I had to defer to their decisions more. I liked the wedding gown I wore even though it’s now packed away in the attic and I haven’t even bothered with retrieving it in years.)

I only went to that flagship store once and my memories of that one trip are hazy at best. I remember it was a very opulent store. It was more opulent than the suburban Glen Burnie location. I think there were chandeliers hanging from the ceilings. Come to think of it, had my mother taken me to the larger Baltimore location instead of the smaller Glen Burnie one, I may have had more fond memories of Hutzler’s than I do now.

Here is what Hutzler’s former flagship store in Baltimore looks like today.

photo1

The former Hutzler's department store near Lexington Market one week after violent protests.

The opulent trim around the windows and doors are still there. Even the department store’s original name, Hutzler Brothers, is preserved even though the store chain itself had ceased to exist after 1990.

The former Hutzler's department store near Lexington Market one week after violent protests.

The former Hutzler's department store near Lexington Market one week after violent protests.

The former Hutzler's department store near Lexington Market one week after violent protests.

It’s sad to think that these doors, which once greeted shoppers, have remained shut for over 25 years.

The former Hutzler's department store near Lexington Market one week after violent protests.

The former Hutzler's department store near Lexington Market one week after violent protests.

The former Hutzler's department store near Lexington Market one week after violent protests.

The former Hutzler's department store near Lexington Market one week after violent protests.

The trim around the building has been preserved and it still remains impressive after all these years.

The former Hutzler's department store near Lexington Market one week after violent protests.

The former Hutzler's department store near Lexington Market one week after violent protests.

The shiny black marble is still intact and still reflective in the sunlight despite decades of neglect.

The former Hutzler's department store near Lexington Market one week after violent protests.

Since my own personal memories of my one and only visit to Hutzler’s is pretty foggy these days, I did some sleuthing around the Internet for any vintage photos of that flagship store’s glory days. Most of the vintage photos I obtained were taken of the store’s basement restaurant. I think my mother and I may have eaten there during my one visit to the Baltimore city location but I don’t remember. Based on these photos, it was obvious that the restaurant had changed over the years that it was in operation.

2003.103.013

(From The Jewish Museum of Maryland’s Flickr account.)

2003.103.014

(From The Jewish Museum of Maryland’s Flickr account.)

Hutzler's Howard St. Basement Lunceonette 1985

(From Kevin Mueller’s Flickr account.)

Hutzler's Howard St. 1985

(From Kevin Mueller’s Flickr account.)

The cover of the July, 1953 issue of Architectural Forum shows Hutzler’s toy department.

Architectural Forum July 1953

(From Sandi Vincent’s Flickr account.)

The December, 1955 issue of Hutzler’s Tips and Taps (which looks like it was an in-house publication either for Hutzler’s employees or the store’s customers or both) which featured one of the store windows that was decorated for Christmas.

Hutzler's Tips and Taps December 1955

(From Kevin Mueller’s Flickr account.)

Another issue of Hutzler’s Tips and Taps from the Fall & Winter 1960-1961 has a photo of the store’s shoe department, which was located on the third floor of the store.

Hutzler's Tips and Taps Fall & Winter 1960 - 1961

(From Kevin Mueller’s Flickr account.)

The Baltimore Sun has more vintage photos of the interior of Hutzler’s Baltimore store. I can’t embed them here so I’ll just link to this slideshow on the newspaper’s website that are full of vintage photos of Hutzler’s glory days before it went out of business in 1990’s.

http://www.nablopomo.com

Previous Entries

Categories

Advertisements